Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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