dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
