There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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