cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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