we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
