i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
