My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
