wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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