I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
