Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
