he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
