I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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