I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
