I feel like I'm in dance class right now
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
