you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
