You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
no you cant smoke seaweed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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