Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Sober January is a disaster.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
