Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
