so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
