i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
