After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
