so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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