I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
