i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
