the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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