You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
