how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
