I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
