I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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