i need an iv and a liver transplant
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i drank out of a bidet.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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