um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
