I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
