I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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