I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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