New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
