my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you never un-have a 4some
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
