They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
