guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
