Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
