I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
