1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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