Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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