Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
