I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize