if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
