have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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