i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
