she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
