You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
