____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
