went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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