dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
