Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize