Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
