I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
