I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
