Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
