he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
